Gramma

I often wonder what my Gramma was thinking in her final days last year, lying in bed, slipping in and out of consciousness from the drugs she was being given. I was staying at my mom’s for days while it all happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to go into the room and see her like that. I wanted to, but something inside me froze. After the guests left my apartment I was Airbnbing, I went home, and the next morning, she passed. I can’t shake the feeling that if I had gone in, held her hand, maybe she would have let go sooner, knowing she wasn’t alone. It reminds me of This Is Us, when Rebecca’s family gathered around her, and that moment of goodbye gave her peace. My Gramma only had my mom with her. Life and death are strange that way—sometimes it feels like people hang on, waiting for the right person or the right moment. I wonder if she was waiting for me, and I just couldn’t give her that. I was just steps away, in the next room. I feel guilty about it often, but deep down, I hope she understood.

#theater #musicals #toxicfamily #toxicpeople #narcissism #gaslighting #mentalhealth #toxic #boundaries #abuse #survivor #healing #dysfunctionalfamily #depression #manipulation #bipolar #life #sucks