Dec 7, 20222 min read

I Feel Alone with the Crazy Bipolar Mixed Mood

There are very real reasons why I feel alone, no matter what. The reason is the big, obvious, neon-sign-laden secret — I am alone because no one else can be inside my insanity with me. And I suppose I wouldn’t want them to anyway. I wouldn’t damn anyone else to live in my brain. I wouldn’t damn anyone else to live in my life.

So, the thing to do? Write it out in a semi-incomprehensible screed, and then take medication, obviously (mostly up-to-date list). It’s what has to be done to calm down. It’s what has to be done so that the crazy doesn’t actually overtake me completely to the point where there is no me left. It’s what has to be done so that the crazy doesn’t actually kill me.

There will be weeping. There will be suffering. There will be worse things before this is over. And yet, still, my priority will be blending in with the humans any time I have to interact with another. I suppose this priority is just after the one that keeps me alive, but only just.

I feel like screaming. I feel like sobbing. I feel like attacking. But I won’t do any of that, no matter how crazy I feel.

I should get a fucking medal for all the hiding, for all the protecting you from my crazy. A key to the city. An Academy Award. Existing in my brain is, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done it alone, and I’ve done it in front of everyone without them knowing it. And the torture of this existence just carries on. But it’s only 40 more years, maybe.