My First Night Homeless

There are first times for everything. The first time I drove a car, first time I broke my leg, first time I ate sushi, first time I went to work, first time I was fired — and I’ll never forget my first kiss. ‘Firsts’ are memorable parts of life.

Well, the same goes for that first night spent on the streets or in a homeless shelter. The first time you’re homeless, the intense feelings of fear and uncertainty are impossible to forget.

If you’ve never been homeless, it’s tough to describe that first night sleeping on the street. The fear and disillusionment are almost paralyzing. You just go through the motions, but at the same time you’re beating yourself up for being in this situation. It is very surreal because no one ever thinks they will become homeless. NO ONE!

I’ll never forget my first night. All of a sudden and without warning, I found myself homeless , like actually walking the street. I was sober, but I had no money, no place to go and no one I could call for help. I was officially homeless.

This was all new to me. I really had no homeless training. I mean I did run around the streets of Hollywood a few times with Cody, hiding sneaking into little areas of Hollywood and Highland to steal wifi and charge your phone, I remember thinking, damn this makes me sad for him, I knew could always just go home…….but, now, I had no clue how I was going to survive, I had no home, . I was the one who was homeless….The irony was painful.

I decided to walk from Sunland to North Hollywood, mainly because I knew the neighborhood and was comfortable with the area. I walked and walked and walked basically like 8 miles thru the valley. By the time I arrived, it was beginning to get dark, so I started to think about where I was going to sleep. I decided to try a park close to my old apartment. But when I arrived, I noticed some sketchy guys hanging around in the dark, so I moved on to another location.

I continued walking down Magnolia and up Lankershim, then Ventura and back, park after park. I just didn’t feel safe in any of them. My feet were becoming swollen; I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I knew that the worst crimes in the city — muggings, beatings, shootings — happened at night to people living outdoors. I knew that when you sleep outside, you are vulnerable to just about everything. I was scared. Probably more scared then I have been or ever will be.

I think it was around 3 a.m. when I finally circled back to the Big Park on Tujunga in North Hollywood. It was empty, and the first place where I felt safe enough to lay down.

Exhaustion quickly set in and I closed my eyes. I don’t remember how much time had passed — maybe 20 minutes — when, suddenly, all the sprinklers went off. I just laid there in disbelief, soaking. It’s impossible to describe the mixture of fear, anger, vulnerability and, well, homelessness I felt as I lay there.

If I was telling you this story right now, it would be fairly dramatic, and then I’d have you cracking up as I fed the sprinkler moment ….But honestly, it wasn’t really all that funny. I got up, soaking wet and started walking towards 7-11, when a car flashed his lights parked on the street. He started to roll his window down and was asking for Jimmy…..I kept, walking and started to cross the street. Then, I realized I didn’t have any money and the man followed me. “Have you seen Jimmy?’ he said. “What?” I asked. “Jimmy, he’s this homeless kid that hangs around here.” “No, I don’t know any Jimmy.” He started to walk away, I just squatted down next to the dumpster at 7-11 and started to cry. My beautiful apartment was just a few blocks away and I was across the street from the Noho diner that I ate at all the time for $5 breakfast. I’m soaking wet and literally have nowhere to go! Then, the man was back, standing next to me. “How long have you been out here?” he whispered and as I looked up he was glancing around weirdly and rocking, and I thought oh my god, he thinks I’m homeless, and then I realized, oh my god I am homeless once again. I started to tell him about my night when he cut me off to say “Hey, I was looking for Jimmy, but he’s not here. You wanna maybe play?” And so, that night became even more surreal, the memories of pain and loneliness from that night will always be with me.

Sadly, now I was one of the guys that came to my house with a backpack of clothes, just trying to have a roof over their head for the night, and maybe some action. Who would have ever thought I would be living on the street? I mean, thousands of thousands of people are homeless. No matter what circumstances led to their homelessness — eviction, unemployment, addiction, mental illness — being homeless for that first night is painful. Now imagine a personal crisis has hit, and you no longer have access to money or a place to stay. When everyone you know was told not to help you, even though you have helped so many people out ----- It is now your first night homeless. What would you do?